Remember the story of Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves? In this medieval Persian tale, Ali Baba (a deposed prince) is able to unlock the cave where 40 thieves have hidden a great treasure by murmuring “Open Simsim” (or “Open Sesame”).

If only we had a similar magic phrase to use when we speak to donors!

Of course, we all know there is no such thing. But it can be hard to resist the idea that, if we just found the right words, our donors’ checkbooks would magically open!

Relationships, Not Rhetoric

As a speechwriter and communications coach, I often find myself working with clients who are very worried about things like, “What will I say?” “Am I making the best case?” or “How will I respond if she asks me about Y?”

These are all very good questions, and can help guide your donor research.

But once you know your donor’s passions, personality and goals… once you understand how his needs and your institution’s intersect… a focus on finding “the right words” can be counter-productive, or worse: it can cause you to stiffen up and sound phony, when you want to be at your most relaxed best.

So instead of using your valuable prep time to search for a mythical “phrase that pays,” try focusing your pre-visit energy on how you’re going to connect with this person.

Use Your Entire Toolkit!

Too often, we think that the keys to asking are a powerful message, an airtight case or an impressive array of facts and figures. Admittedly, these tools are good to have on hand, but they are not the entire story. That’s because, in reality, most of us are drawn to — and persuaded by — not the people with the best arguments, but the people with whom we have the best relationships.

When it comes to forging those personal connections, words are not the tools that matter. Instead, try using these non-verbal cues to build your donor relationship:

Give Your Donor Your Complete Attention. Your full attention is a powerful gift, and will encourage your donor to speak candidly. So turn off your Blackberry, and try to turn away those inevitable, distracting thoughts (like “How am I doing?” or “Will I get the gift?”). Keep your focus firmly on them.

Make Eye Contact. Your eyes are the window to connection. A relaxed yet purposeful gaze shows your donor that you’re interested in what he or she is saying, is thinking…that you are interested in them.

Smile. The idea that a smile detracts from your credibility is just plain wrong! You may not want to grin from ear to ear, but a gentle smile that reaches your eyes shows appreciation for your donor (and his or her time), without taking anything from the seriousness of your words.

Next Steps

Of course, the best way to apply these techniques is to actually mean them, which is why it’s important to think about what you like, respect or find of interest about each donor.

By sincerely applying these non-verbal cues — rather than mechanically following a script — you can open the door to a personal relationship that will continue to deepen and grow.

Have you had this experience?

Have you ever “rescued” a solicitation by dropping your prepared words and focusing on “just” making contact?

Jezra is President of Speak Up for Success. Click here for full bio.

See more from Jezra – watch her video on practicing out loud before an ask. 

Also check out our tips on Setting Up the Meeting before you prepare for your next ask. Note, this is a members only part of the site. Not a member yet? Join NOW.